People-pleasing hides in plain sight each day. According to a 2024 survey, “48% of Americans definitely or probably would describe themselves as people-pleasers and 47% would not. So odds are high that you are either a people-pleaser or a person related to one, which begs the question,
What is People-Pleasing?
Under a veneer of super agreeableness and over the top helpfulness, people-pleasers possess deep needs for approval and validation from outside sources. To fulfill their deep needs, they consistently prioritize others’ needs, opinions, and feelings above their own. This lopsided prioritization is a coping strategy that repeatedly works against the wellbeing of people-pleasers.
It drives Bob to say “Yes” when he really wants to say “NO”. Suzy takes extreme steps to avoid all conflicts. Bob and Suzy often feel guilty if they disappoint someone when choosing to take care of themselves. They even feel responsible when others are upset and they tend to over-apologize for things that neither can control. How did Bob and Suzy get stuck in coping strategies that deny their own wellbeing?
Origins of People-Pleasing
It’s likely that people-pleasing originated as a coping skill in the childhoods of Bob and Suzy. Maybe that pleasing skill helped each feel safer and more secure in unsafe childhood experiences, stricter cultural settings, or as a response to trauma.
It’s heartbreaking to consider that like Bob and Suzy, many of us learned to feel safe and secure by denying our own wellbeing to prioritize the expectations of others. It turns out that what helped all of us navigate childhood challenges often creates discontent in adult relationships…
How People-Pleasing Affects Relationships
As people-pleasers, Bob and Suzy may be magnets for unhealthy personal, social and work relationships. Bob will burnout professionally if he consistently over-functions in an office of underfunctioning coworkers. Suzy will feel frustrated and angry when she bends over backwards for the friend who never seems to have time for her. Both may simmer with resentment if their spouses fail to acknowledge or appreciate their over-functioning efforts at home.
When people-pleasers like Bob and Suzy consistently attempt to fix other people and solve their problems, a risk unfolds. Coworkers, friends, and partners may consciously or unconsciously take advantage of the people-pleasers. If Bob and Suzy haven’t reliably expressed their own unmet needs at work, in a friendship or at home, each will eventually become burned out and resentful. It’s time for Bob, Suzy and all of us to learn new navigation strategies…
Tips to Navigate the Perils of People-Pleasing
To navigate the perils of people-pleasing, we need to practice new strategies whenever we feel the internal pull to immediately prioritize someone else’s expectations above our own needs, feelings or opinions. Note, we’re trying to change a coping strategy, not trying to create a better human.
Tip 1: Pause and check in with yourself.
Before immediately agreeing to anything, pause and ask yourself, “What is my wisest response to the internal pull to please this person?” If we are honest, many times we agree to spoken or unspoken requests without considering our own resources.
Do you have the time, money, interest and energy to honor the request?
Tip 2: Reflect on the past few days to discover any patterns of actions and feelings.
Change begins when we can identify behaviors we dislike. Let’s take a peek at what Bob and Suzy learned from their reflections.
Bob felt frustrated when he failed to say “No” to a slacking colleague. Suzy felt irritated when her friend asked for money twice in one week and she still gave the money. Bob realizes that he doesn’t want to carry the largest load at work anymore. Suzy realizes she doesn’t want to give her friend money. Armed with these reflections, each can imagine and practice a different response when the internal need to please emerges.
What can you learn when reflecting on your past week? What change can you imagine?
Tip 3: Differentiate between people-pleasing and altruism.
People-pleasing and altruism each prioritize the needs and welfare of others. While altruism expects nothing in return ( no validation or approval), people-pleasing is transactional, seeking to gain acceptance, approval and validation from its efforts.
Jan may donate money to a charity whose work she values, expecting no validation for her donation. Tom fears alienating his adult son if he withholds expected financial support. Tom offers financial support to stay in the good graces of his son even as he worries about paying his own mortgage. While Jan’s act is altruistic, in this example, Tom’s act is people-pleasing.
Can you see people-pleasing differently now?
A People-pleasing Navigation Challenge
Tom decides to practice a different response to his internal people-pleasing pull. He decides to differentiate people-pleasing from altruism (Tip 3). Reflecting on the transactional pattern he has with son (Tip 2), Tom recognizes it as unhealthy. The next time he faces a financial request, he plans to pause and seek his wisest response (Tip 1) and before committing to action.
If people-pleasing creates anxiety and distress in your life, I challenge you to practice the Tips like Tom.
For additional support, please reach out to see how anxiety counseling can help improve your wellbeing or how couples counseling can help improve a relationship. Change is possible when we feel trapped by the internal pull of people-pleasing.
Leave A Comment