How to Make the Secret of Change Work for Your Relationship!

//How to Make the Secret of Change Work for Your Relationship!

How to Make the Secret of Change Work for Your Relationship!

The secret of change for your relationship

Do you believe Socrates?

Before you answer… Let’s do a quick experiment.

Take a moment to think about all the things in your relationship that are screaming for change: the constant nagging, lack of intimacy, disagreements over parenting, chronic arguments, you get the picture.  Now pick one thing and ask the question, “Why is this not changing?”

Notice where your mental energy is focused.

On the recent argument or nag-fest? The  latest emotional disconnection?  The history of drinking binges? If you’re like me, you may be experiencing a little  deja vu right now.  Kind of like being stuck on a mental not-so-merry-go-round with no way off, unless we….

Find a way to get unstuck.

Enter Socrates.  To get off the mental merry-go-round and jump-start change in our relationships, we need to refocus our energy – towards building something new.

That’s what Bob and Karen learned.  After several counseling sessions, they seemed stuck.  Early progress was forgotten and they were back at square one – facing years of rubble that seemed impossible to overcome.   Sitting on separate loveseats, they were positioned like opposing heads of state.  Each was armed with a list of  charges against the other.

So from square one, we decided to…

Pull out the secret of change.

I asked Bob and Karen the magic question, “What do you want to create in this relationship?”  In the silence that followed, the direction of their mental energy shifted.  They each focused their attention on building something new together.  And their visions were beautifully consistent.

They became more like a team with a common goal when they focused their energy on building something new. And Socrates explains why:

The door of change opens up when we refocus our energy.

The relationship we want to build becomes a lovely beacon.  It’s glowing image provides daily motivation to make individual changes that will move the relationship ahead.  I do my best because I want our relationship to improve. I keep doing my best because I keep wanting our relationship to improve.

So here’s how to make the secret of change work for your relationship:

  1. Take turns describing, “What kind of relationship do I want to create?”
  2. Take turns acknowledging, “What needs to change in me to create that kind of relationship?”

Answers to the first question represent your beacon – the image of the relationship you want to build.  Answers to the second question help you each map out a plan of action.  And so begins the path to lasting change in your relationship.

With a focus on what you want to create, you learn to improve communication, strengthen connection, and build trust.  Day by day.

If you have trouble implementing this process on you own, contact me – I’d love to help you find the change you need to have the relationship you want.    

Now over to you.  Do you agree with Socrates?  Is the secret of change really about focusing our energy on building something new?  Leave your answers as a comment below!

By |2017-12-17T15:04:56+00:00April 9th, 2014|Categories: Relationships|Tags: , , , |9 Comments

About the Author:

I'm an LPC who delights in helping people find the change they need to live the life they desire.


  1. Meryl Hershey Beck July 9, 2014 at 10:33 pm - Reply

    Great advice and way of looking at things from another prospective. Turning a negative situation into a positive process that can resonate with many people. So many people get stuck , never finding a way to get past problems and so their relationships fail forever. Sadly, this happens all too often.

  2. Veronica July 9, 2014 at 10:59 pm - Reply

    Great advice. I like to focus on what is great and what is working in my relationships

  3. rochefel July 10, 2014 at 1:26 am - Reply

    A change in mindset really changes everything. Sometimes, when we are not willing to see things, we won’t really do no matter what. Keeping our minds open will not only help us but the people around us, It will make them feel more welcomed. 🙂

  4. Roz July 10, 2014 at 3:22 am - Reply

    Interesting points. The one that stands out for me is to focus on changes I can make in self. Often when a relationship goes sour, we tend to blame the other and want other to change.

  5. Roz July 10, 2014 at 3:23 am - Reply

    Change must start with self. Dont blame and focus on other person. Not easy to do but can be done.

  6. Kungphoo July 10, 2014 at 3:47 am - Reply

    For any conflict of complicated couple to be solve, both parties have to be willing to be open to what each other and listen to what both have to say. To really help the relationship the couple must be both open minded and even patient to listen to each other needs. Great read, thanks for sharing.

  7. Don Purdum July 10, 2014 at 2:00 pm - Reply

    How think, perceive, and feel about yourself is really important to the relationship. If you don’t think well of you, your relationship is going to struggle. If your relationship is going to change for the better, then you have to change for the better.

  8. Uplifting Families July 11, 2014 at 1:43 am - Reply

    I agree that changing your perspective on a situation might allow you to see your partner’s point of view. If you refuse to change your perspective or be somewhat flexible, you will have potential marriage problems. Sometimes you even have to agree to disagree.

  9. Marielle Altenor July 13, 2014 at 2:14 pm - Reply

    Very good advice. I did the little exercise and try to think of the things that I feel is holding
    my relationship back and was a big disappointed with myself. A lot of the things that I don’t like I can easily change them by starting to have a different mindset.
    A have some work to do!!

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